How To Open a Bottle of Champagne---and other Gruesome Sparkling Wine Stories

Most folks celebrating New Year’s Eve will likely be popping the cork on a bottle of Champagne that night.

But are you REALLY drinking Champagne?

I’ll explain.

Champagne is a sparkling wine.  But not ALL sparkling wine is Champagne.  Champagne ONLY comes from the chalky and fossil-rich soil of the Champagne region in Northern France.  The use of the word “Champagne” is carefully controlled by the AOC (stands for “Appellation d'origine contrôlée”, France’s “quality control” for food and wine) and most of the civilized world has agreed to abide by their rules and play nice.

A list of rules that reads like a book of Sharia law. 

Just for starters:

Champagne can ONLY come from three grapes---chardonnay, pinot noir, and pinot meunier.

The grapes MUST be grown in one of the five vineyard areas of the Champagne region.
 
They also regulate everything from how you prune the vines to how you turn the damn bottles.
 
And that’s not even close to Champagne 101. 
 
The top Champagne producers are VERY old houses that are still run like the first season of Downton Abbey---lots of fuss over a missing snuff box.
 
But at the same time, it’s a very rock ‘n’ roll, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants operation.  Unlike other wines in France that are often judged by their year of vintage----most Champagne is NON-vintage.  In fact, it’s one of the AOC Sharia laws that a certain amount of wine from the house HAS to be saved to blend with the following years’ vintage to give Champagne that certain “je ne sais quoi”.
 
It’s also largely a matter of guesswork.  You really have to be a master to be able to throw stuff into the pot and know what the soup will taste like 2-10 years from now.  The big houses strive for consistency every year---though a few super biggies like Krug put out vintage bottles in years when the grapes are especially exciting.  The smaller, renegade grower's houses may not have the same prestige, but they can wow you with certain vintages and their “I’ll do what I want!” attitude.  
 
In short, Champagne is crazy town---but there’s nothing else in wine quite like it. 
 
Those are the basics.  But start getting into Champagne history and you’ll find hundreds of years of interesting stories.

For starters, Northern France ain’t no Cote d’Azur.  It’s freaking cold!  This has always limited the grape growers of the region.  Back in the day, they would pick the grapes and make their wine in the fall.  The cold winter would send the yeast in the fermentation process into hibernating like a freaking bear. 

Then by spring, the weather would warm up and the yeast would begin to RE-ferment.  The winemakers would open their carefully crafted wine and find….

Bubbles?!?!?!!!!

WTF?

This was seen as a horrible thing.  Good wine gone bad.

In truth, it WAS a bit of a problem.  Bottles of wine were exploding all over the place in the spring.  One bottle would explode and cause a chain reaction, seriously injuring the workers in the wine cellars.   

They tried everything to fix this.  Even a simple Benedictine monk (who didn’t even drink) named Dom Perignon couldn’t keep the bubbles out of his wine. 

Dom Perignon didn’t create Champagne.  He was just trying to turn lemons into lemonade.

He changed production methods, growing methods, harvesting methods.  He was also a savvy business man who increased the value both of the church’s estate AND their wines.

But he considered it a personal failure that he could never keep those damn bubbles out.

The tradition of Champagne on New Year’s Eve is a bit sketchy----but seems to have taken root after the French Revolution.  Champagne was beloved by the nobility in France.  But the Champagne in those days bore little resemblance to what we drink now; it was much sweeter to mask the acidity of the wine, a bit on the pink side, kind of gritty---and of course, they were still trying to get rid of those pesky bubbles. 

But it got the moniker “The Drink of Kings” due to its region more than anything. 

Reims cathedral is in the Champagne region of France.

The King of the Franks, Clovis I, was baptized in Reims in 496 A.D.  If you know nothing about French history, know that he’s kind of like our George Washington.  So because he was “the father of the country”, from then on, French coronation ceremonies were traditionally held in Reims.  They even built a huge cathedral on the site.  All the royals of Europe would show up and enjoy the local beverage---Champagne.

That’s why it’s called “The drink of kings.” 

It was such an important place that when the English took Reims during the Hundred Years War----it was Joan of Arc who got the cathedral back and made it possible for the dauphin (later Charles VII) to be crowned in the cathedral later that year.

Unfortunately, Charles VII was the equivalent of that guy who takes a lot of selfies and posts positive affirmations on his Twitter page to act like a leader-----but was really a self-centered, trust fund baby with no marketable skills. 

His depression and indecision during crucial moments of battle came across to his immediate circle as, “Why didn’t my general “like” my Instagram picture on Facebook?  I know he was still awake at midnight.  He wrote “LOL” on my court jester’s post.  I mean, why am I even fighting a war?  I should just quit everything I’m doing.  Like “opposite day” on that episode of Seinfeld.  I mean…what’s the point?  This is like…work.”

And right about then, a teenage Joan of Arc stepped up.  I know I complain about the youth of today----but SEE!  Not all young kids are lazy and good-for-nothing.

Jean d’Arc took Reims back from the English, met Charles VII, got him crowned-in as king, saved France, and then sometime around three o’clock in the morning, the tweet went out….

“Dudes!  I’m freaking KING!!!  Let’s par-tay!”

“Um…what about that girl who saved your ass?  You know she’s on trial now---right?”

“You r NOT invited, Debbie Downer!”

“I’m not kidding.  Here is a link to the pamphlet.”

“Lesbo.  Let’s PAR-TAY!!!!  Champagne in R-Town.  Ha!  OUR Town!”

“THIS IS NOT A JOKE.  BITCH WHO SAVED YOUR ASS IS GOING DOWN IF YOU DON’T HELP HER!!!!!”

“Tweaking so hard, dude.  Who’s the king?  Who’s the muthafucking king?”

“Unfriending.”

“Beheading.  LMFAO!!!!”

No secret---I’m not the biggest fan of Charles VII.

A few centuries later, the French Revolution was on, Louis XVI was reduced to the title, “Citizen Capet", they oiled up the guillotine, and suddenly---everyone was equal! 

Hooray!!! 

The newly formed National Assembly (in an attempt to wipe the slate clean---and to dip into the rich coffers of the Catholic church) abolished religion in France.  At one point, an entire convent of nuns was sent to the guillotine.  Poulenc’s opera “Dialogue of the Carmelites” ring a bell?

Okay, I’m geeking out.  But when you’re killing off nuns, your government is getting a bit kooky.

What Robespierre and his band DID realize was that they had to offer new traditions to replace the old ones.  Can’t worship your papal god?  How about our new “Supreme Being”?  Hmmm? 

They put on a whole festival and street fair to introduce “our brand-new god for your worshiping pleasure”. 

Unfortunately, while the fan-fares played and the paper-mache mountain designed by revolutionary artist David was unveiled to a public eagerly awaiting their new (and hopefully familiar) god-----Robespierre (perhaps as leader of “The Mountain” side of the aisle in the National Assembly) positioned himself at the TOP of that mountain.

Yeah---the guy shimmied himself up a wooden ladder and “appeared” as a vision in the azure painted-clouds that kind of made people wonder, “Um---are we supposed to be worshiping HIM?”

And if you thought Mark David Chapman resented the fact that John Lennon compared himself to Jesus…

It wasn’t long after that Robespierre had an unbreakable appointment with The National Razor.

But one of the non-religious customs that was encouraged by the secular government was to drink Champagne.  Because we’re all equal!  And you, too, can get drunk on the same stuff as the Kings of France.

Well, okay----you’re still poor.  We’re working on that.

So since you can only afford it once a year…

How about that non-religious day we all know and celebrate?

And THAT is why you drink Champagne on New Year’s Eve.

Does it HAVE to be Champagne?

Don’t be silly. 

If you’re simply looking for a cork that pops---it all falls under the category of “sparkling wine” and can be anything from a Brut Rose from California to a Prosecco from Italy to a Sparkling Shiraz from Australia.  Whatever rocks your boat.

A few things you should know:

Sparkling wines are traditionally served in a glass called a “flute”.

There's also the coupe.

There's a legend that it was supposedly molded to the shape of Marie Antoinette’s left breast.  Okay---that story is partially true.  Marie Antoinette supposedly DID have glasses molded in the shape of her breast---but they were supposed to be for drinking milk.  It was called a “jattes tetons” and had goat heads as a base. 

 
And yeah---that's a nipple at the bottom.

I know---kind of creepy.  But she was going thru this Rousseau back-to-nature phase that was hip and trendy in the day.  She and her lady friends would have these farm-to-table-like brunches where they’d dress up like farmer’s daughters and milk cows and churn butter outside her little palace Le Petit Trianon.  It was their way of convincing other noblewomen to breast-feed their babies instead of sending the kids off to a wet nurse.

Over the years, the coupe has been said to have been modeled after the boob of pretty much every King’s mistress or powerful woman the opposing political group hated---the sort of slut-shaming and women-hating that has been going on for centuries.

In any case, the titty glass is HORRIBLE for sparkling wine!  It spreads the bubbles all over the surface of the glass and causes them to dissipate---in short, flat Champagne.

Truth is, in the Champagne region, they just drink their bubbly out of a wine glass.

Now here’s where it gets dangerous…

The Champagne bottle is SPECIFICALLY designed to keep the forces within inside the bottle.  The glass is thicker than a normal wine bottle and the shape is different to help spread those forces around.  This took centuries to figure out.  This is also why you need to use great caution when opening one of these puppies.

As a server, I’ve opened hundreds of bottles of sparkling wine.  I’m always super careful.  

In my entire waiting-tables career, I’ve only had ONE bottle of sparkling explode on me.  Unfortunately, it was a bottle of sparkling red.  Shit.  As I loosened the cage, I could feel something was wrong.  I barely twisted the bottle when the whole thing exploded.

Red wine.

Luckily I knew what I was doing beforehand and had aimed it properly.  Only a napkin was injured.

But the pressure behind a bottle of sparkling wine can be up to 60 miles per hour.  Like that line in A Christmas Story---“You’ll shoot your eye out.”

The vast majority of eye injuries that turn up in emergency rooms across the U.S. are due to mishandled bottles of sparking wine.

So unless you have dreams of becoming one of those film directors with an eye patch…

Handle this stuff with caution.  Point it away from your face and anyone else’s face----and body.  Point it at the ceiling or a wall.

Also, Champagne should be properly chilled---about 45 to 48 degrees.  That’s about the same as your refrigerator.  If it’s opened when it’s too warm it may explode on you.

And it actually shouldn’t make that popping sound we all associate with sparkling wine.  As Karen MacNeil writes in her definitive book, The Wine Bible, “Unbidden, more than one older Frenchman has advised me that a Champagne bottle, correctly opened, should make a sound no greater than that of a contented woman’s sigh.  Frenchmen are French men after all.”   

So, what’s good this year?

Well, everyone has their preferences.

Jeffrey Goldin, general manager of Red Farm Broadway, prefers something on the sweeter side---a sparkling Muscat.  But as far as actual Champagne that won’t break the bank, he recommends the reliable crowd-pleaser, Veuve Clicquot Ponsardin.  And then he went on to tell me the whole history of the wine and how it was named after the first woman to take over a Champagne house---The widow (“veuve” in French) Madame Clicquot.  

He then proceeded to entertain me with his impressions of stuffy and ridiculous sommeliers that he once did at a wine dinner---impressions that made even the sommeliers laugh.

The thing about wine is that once you start to learn stuff about it---you realize how much you DON'T know.  But the more you learn, the more this whole wonderful world of stories and people (and, oh yeah---wine) opens up to you.

Wine knowledge isn't all stuffy old guys making weird slurping sounds and inventing stupid descriptive words and phrases like "chalice-y" and "the musk of a satiated otter".

It really is fun and exciting and WAY more down-to-earth than you would think.

It's like drinking beer with your smart friends.

I also contacted a few of my sommelier friends this week to get some quotes and recommendations.

I quickly learned that trying to get a quote out of a sommelier the week between Christmas and New Year’s is like trying to interview a fighter pilot in the thick of battle.

The emails came back, “I’m SO sorry I didn’t get back to you.  I’ve been working 15 hour days back-to-back.”

Luckily, my old and dear sommelier friend, Dana Farner, had just enough time to scrape out the message that she had already put something together for the website at her work.  Dana is the Beverage Director of CUT and sidebar, Wolfgang Puck’s outposts at Beverly Wilshire in Beverly Hills (A Four Seasons Hotel).

“Do you want to add that link? Or copy paste? I could add an intro for you to personalize it or something if you want but you're right- I am out of my mind busy.”

As a gal who just worked 14 hours on Christmas Day----I totally understood.  

So here are her top five recommendations (and notes) on her favorite bottles of bubbly this season.

1. Camille Savès Rosé Brut Grand Cru, Bouzy, Champagne NV

A delicious red cherry but not sweet Champagne from Grand Cru Bouzy, the village that’s as fun to drink as it is to say. If you look closely, you’ll find a tiny RM on the label which stands for Récoltant-Manipulants, meaning that Camille Savès grows all their own grapes — a rarity in Champagne.

2. Gaston Chiquet “Special Club” Brut Champagne 2004
The Special Club refers to a collection of 27 Growers (RM) who have organized to promote the flavour of the earth in Champagne. Only their best can be bottled as “Special Club.” A lean, bright, mouth-watering Champagne.

3. Jacques Selosse “Grand Cru Blanc de Blancs Substance”, Avize, Champagne NV
Another RM in a class of its own. Selosse blends vintages since 1986 to make this wine, with the intention of highlighting the specific beauty of the village of Avize. The wine is deeply layered with toasted nuts and candied citrus. A luxury “wow” bottle that tastes unlike any other.

4. Lanson Rosé Brut Champagne NV
An extremely popular Champagne in Europe, Lanson is less well-known in America. This rosé is surprisingly low in sweetness with dried fruit and lots of minerality.

5. Ca’ del Bosco “Cuvée Annamaria Clementi” Franciacorta Riserva 2004
Not all great bubbles come from Champagne. Franciacorta in Lombardy, Italy produces some of the greatest sparkling wines in the world. It’s made the same way as Champagne and often matches it in quality. You’ll find a little toastiness in this luxury bottle along with bright citrus notes.”

She also has an awesome video tutorial on how to correctly open a bottle of sparkling wine, which you can view here.

 

So watch, be safe, drink responsibly, and Happy New Year!