The other day I went on Yelp to get the address of one of my favorite restaurants in Minneapolis to share with a business traveler friend. What occurred next prompted me to write my first (and probably last) Yelp review.
Enjoy.
SAIGON UPTOWN by Joyce T. New York, NY
I've dined at Saigon Uptown many times. The food is delicious and the service lovely. That's why I was shocked to read a review by "J.B.": "The food has been ok, but I didn't care for the shitty attitude of the lady that worked there when I paid for my egg rolls with a card. What a bitch."
To hear about the Exorcist-like head spin of that kind, older lady... Has she been possessed by Satan to have such a complete character change from her otherwise mild demeanor? Were you excoriated and beggared not to return? Did she pummel you with bitter melons till you were left broken and bleeding at the curb? Did she call you a bitch?
And how were the egg rolls?
Sadly, that was your entire review, J.B. And it left me feeling somehow empty. Could you provide more details? Some information that accentuates your encyclopedia-like knowledge of Vietnamese cookery? A review that takes a simple eggroll excursion into an Anthony Bourdain-like gastronomic escapade that dazzles us with your literary talents, your culinary expertise, and your tender humanity?
Because it's hard to get past your potty mouth.
So I read your other reviews. You mentioned being a waitress. I don't know where you work. But at one point you wrote in a review, "Hey! Somebody hire me!" And in another, you wished you had a job at Dunn Brothers Coffee. You really enjoyed your cup of coffee that day, didn't you? I'm so happy you FINALLY had a good day!
But if you're still looking for work... I would highly recommend you NOT provide a link to your Yelp page on your resume.
Before you think of me as a "budinski"... I'm just doing the same thing you're doing on Yelp---sharing an experience and trying to help a business improve. I mean, that IS what you're trying to do, right? So that's why I'm writing this review of your reviews---to HELP!
For starters, you seem to spend a lot of time waiting 20 minutes for a server to acknowledge your presence. That's bananas! 20 minutes is a LONG time. Maybe there's a problem with your watch? Only a pathetic doormat would wait that long. You might want to visit a watch repairman. You may only be waiting a minute or two. I'm sure you could look on Yelp and find a good repairman---that is, if you can look past all the nasty things people write on Yelp. Sometimes I read the reviews and go, "It's obviously not the shop---it's THEM! They're a miserable, unhappy person who takes out their bad day on other people."
It's pretty easy to see. I'm a writer. That's what we do. Subtext.
And you REALLY like Happy Hour! Over half your reviews are for Happy Hour specials. Are you going to be able to wake up in time to work brunch? An employer may worry about that.
PS---you seem to rank the service MUCH higher when you get free stuff. I can clearly see a bit of a taint. And not in the smutty way. If you're snickering, the onus is upon you.
No. I said "onus".
That "free stuff" comes with a price. I know because I'm also a waitress. Not bragging, but... At the lower-priced joints where some diners nowadays think that a camera on their cell phone and a Yelp account make-thee a Michelin critic.. They can't "make or break" an Olive Garden; but they CAN cause a 12-dollar-an-hour manager to lose his job. So when someone complains that their "drink is weak"...
And boy, do you have the WORST luck not getting any liquor in your drink! How does that happen SO often? And those free drinks you're getting-----um, the bartender is stealing. He wants a big tip. Managers may not see your team spirit the way I do, J.B. They'll see you as trouble walking in the door.
I hope you don't mind me calling you "J.B." I only do so because in your reviews, you mention servers and managers by name. Sucks-for-them that a waiter's name is on the check. As for managers, you get their names by acting all indignant and saying, "Excuse me---what's your name?" But you seem to know this already.
I wish I had more time to chat, but I have TWO waitressing jobs! One of my restaurants is a neighborhood establishment. LOVE my regulars! My other is one of the top restaurants in NYC. A huge hunk of our clientele is the rich, famous, and culinary elite. So while this affords me the opportunity to dine in the finest places----this is my FIRST Yelp review! Never bothered because the better restaurants don't pay attention to Yelp. They don't think Yelpers know anything about food or wine or service. They expect reviewers to know so much STUFF! I mean, I LOVED that piece you wrote about the pho not having enough broth.
Who knows? One day we may be working together at Bon Appétit! No need to worry about getting a server with a "shitty attitude" when we're dining at Condé Nast! I've had lunch there and it's cafeteria-style! I want you get an AMAZING job so you can afford to go to REALLY nice restaurants and become my food writing bestie for ALL the top publications! And maybe even become a better person in the process.
Sub-textually yours....
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